The Family Quarrel No Longer Went On

By Ruoxi

A home is a heartwarming and desirable place, just like a refuge from the wind and rain. When we are weary and tired, we all want to return home to have a rest. However, at one time in the past, my family always had conflicts, so several times I thought about leaving them. But now, we live in harmony and happiness. How was this achieved? Let me tell you from the beginning.

My Father-in-law is a retired veteran cadre. After my Mother-in-law passed away, he lived in the village of our hometown alone, all the time. Afterward, the house he lived in was to be demolished and he was also sick, so my husband and I decided to ask him to move to the city to live with us. After my Father-in-law moved here, to begin with we lived together in peace, but later I found that many habits of his were unbearable to me.

He usually got up early. Normally, it wasn’t a problem for the old to get up early. However, when he got up, the sound created by him troubled me a lot. Every morning at 4 o’clock, I heard his footsteps walking back and forth between his bedroom and the living room, as well as the sound of opening and closing the door from time to time. Since he moved here, I, a poor sleeper, didn’t get an ounce of steady sleep. The sound he created became the alarm clock for me to wake up. Then I had trouble falling asleep again even though I covered myself with the quilt. Because of this, I once hinted this situation to him, but it didn’t work. Having no choice, I could only call up my husband who worked in another place to share my frustrations with him. He just urged me helplessly: “Just be more tolerant. After some time, you’ll be used to it. Then you’ll feel better.” For the sake of my face and the harmony of my family, I had to tolerate my Father-in-law, but meanwhile, I began to bear a grudge against him. After a period of time, I found he had a more intolerable habit and later we nearly became enemies owing to it.

Once when I cleaned his bedroom, I found the neat room became dirty and disordered. It was piled with all kinds of junk, like milk powder cans, red wine boxes, plastic pipes, shoe boxes, old sacks, broken table lamps, broken fans, used carpets, etc. I didn’t know where these things came from, and only thought perhaps these were useful to him, so I didn’t pay much attention to this thing. Gradually, there was more and more junk in his bedroom. Once, I wanted to put his clean clothes into his wardrobe; when I opened it, I was astonished at what I saw. It was stuffed with shabby bags, old curtains, even children’s old shoes and so on. His bedroom was so messy, just like a waste management station. I wondered: He has a retirement pension of thousands of yuan every month. He doesn’t pick up the junk to sell, does he? When he comes back, I must ask him about it.

At noon, he came back with a full bag in his hand. I asked him whether he was picking up the junk to sell. He answered: “No. I just see those things are still useful. What a pity to see them thrown away.” I disgruntledly said: “They are useless to us and only take up room. Just throw them away. Don’t ever pick the junk up again.” Hearing this, he went to his bedroom without any word. I thought after I said this he wouldn’t do that again. However, I had never thought he would still bring the junk home every day and come back with many things every time. Seeing this, I was angry and felt he was too stubborn, but I felt it was improper to lose my temper in his face. Thus, I asked my husband to talk with him. But my husband urged me: “Just let him alone. Since he wants to do that, let him do so. Anyway, he puts the junk in his own room. Why don’t you shut your eyes to this? He has heart disease. Don’t annoy him.” At these words, I was unhappy and thought he favored my Father-in-law. Therefore, I held more prejudices against my Father-in-law and felt his coming disturbed my peaceful life. Hence, I was disgusted with him. Though we lived under the same roof, we were estranged from one another, with hardly any communication.

Once, I, with my child, stayed with my side of the family for one week. When I came back and opened the door, I was astonished that the house was in a mess.The junk my Father-in-law brought home was all over the house. The whole house was just like a garbage dump. Especially the shopping bags which were picked up from garbage cans, were stacked on the balcony and gave offa rank stench. This turned my stomach. When I, obesessed with neatness, saw such a scene, my anger rose immediately. I thought: That’s too much! Is this still a home? Thus, I rolled up my sleeves and threw away all the junk in anger. I was so amazed that there was so much junk. In order to clean up my house, I went up and down stairs six times. Finally, the garbage cans in the community were stuffed full and I was worn out, lying on the sofa. Seeing the house was clean and tidy like before, I felt a bit happy.

In the evening, my Father-in-law came back. After he knew I threw those things away, he got mad, rebuked me, and said I was a waster and didn’t know how to be economical. I was unbearably angry and refuted him. Unexpectedly, he self-righteously said that it was his Son’s house, so I was not qualified to meddle in his affairs. Then he called my husband and complained against me. Shortly after, my husband phoned to blame me by saying I was ignorant and warned me not to annoy my Father-in-law any longer. Facing their blame, I was so angry that I cried, and in the face of my Father-in-law, I shouted to my husband on the phone: “I will move out. I can’t stay in this house any longer. It’s too dirty to live in and I can’t handle it. Later, you just live with your Father.” At that time, I was very wronged and sad, and really wanted to escape from here at once.

Aside from the pain, I suddenly thought of God. Right. I only felt angry. How could I forget God? So I came before God and prayed: “God, I’m very pained and perplexed now. Facing my Father-in-law, I really have no idea how to treat him. Oh, God! Please guide me to know what I should do.” After the prayer, I thought of God’s words: “Normal humanity includes these aspects: insight, sense, conscience, and character. If you can achieve normality in each of these respects, your humanity is up to standard. You should have the likeness of a normal human being and behave like a believer in God. You don’t have to achieve great heights or engage in diplomacy. You just have to be a normal human being, with a normal person’s sense, be able to see through things, and at least look like a normal human being. That will be enough. … At present the main thing is to cast off the corrupt satanic disposition. You must cast off the ugliness you express. If you have not cast these off, how can you touch upon supreme sense and insight? A lot of people see that the age has changed, so they don’t exercise any humility or patience, and they might as well not have any love or saintly decency either. These people are too absurd! Do they have an ounce of normal humanity? Do they have any testimony to speak of? They don’t have any insight and sense whatsoever.”

From these words, I saw God required us to live out normal humanity, and be tolerant of, patient with, and loving toward others, or we were unworthy of being called Christians. I thought of my attitude to my Father-in-law. There was no tolerance, patience or understanding. Wasn’t I too inhumane? This wasn’t the manner a Christian should have. Thinking of this, I felt a little calmer, but I didn’t iron out the wrinkles within completely. I could only pray to God and ask Him to give me a heart of tolerance and patience. From then on, my Father-in-law had some restraint when picking up the junk. He didn’t do it openly like before, but when I was not in, he would secretly bring the junk home. For fear I would throw those things away if I saw them, every time he went out he would lock his room. Though I no longer quarreled with him, I could still smell the gun smoke from our last “battle.” Because of this, I always stayed in my bedroom to avoid facing him. Unexpectedly, before this thing was over, new conflicts appeared.

As for some of his behavior like being too stingy, though I disapproved, I could usually be tolerant. For example: In order to save water, he often stored dirty water in the washbowl; for saving electricity, he often turned off the mains switch of the water heater, which caused there to be no hot water to use every time I took a shower; he repeatedly used a tissue; he often picked up the rotten vegetable leaves I threw in the garbage. In order to prevent him doing that, every time after I picked the vegetables I would empty the garbage. However, he began to “act against me” in secret. He actually picked the rotten vegetable leaves out of the garbage, washed and stir-fried them and then put this dish on the table. As well as this, when at the table, he often educated my daughter (two years old) to be economical, and said how he went hungry and cold from a young age and how hard his life was, etc. I felt these things were said to me. Though I said nothing, I hated his behavior in my heart and thought: These are things of the past. You never stop saying them, just like chanting. I’m sick of hearing it. Moreover, I’m not extravagant. You really view me as a spendthrift? Finally, one day, he reached my bottom line and this made my only patience give out.

That day, I sorted out the bad sweet potatoes and threw them in the garbage. I only peeled two good ones and boiled them in the automatic rice cooker. Then I went out. When I returned home, I found that there were many bad sweet potatoes in the rice cooker, and that the rice cooker gave forth a strong smell of bad ones. Obviously, my Father-in-law must found the bad sweet potatoes that I threw away and boiled them in the rice cooker.. At this point, all my blood rushed to my head. I angrily went to the living room and questioned him loudly: “Why did you boil the bad sweet potatoes in the rice cooker?” He startled and replied: “I feel it’s a pity to throw them away. Just boil them. I’ll eat them.” I angrily yelled: “Can we eat them? You put all the sweet potatoes together. How are we supposed to eat them? Why don’t you consider our feelings when doing things? Why don’t you consider whether the child can eat them? You can just eat them alone.” After saying this, I picked up my daughter and stormed out of the house.

Besides feeling angry, I rang his daughter and eldest son and wept over his deeds with them. His daughter angrily said on the phone: “If I were you, I wouldn’t be able to bear it, either.” Though I obtained their sympathy, I was still depressed. Then I sat with my daughter in the park of our community. I didn’t want to go home or see my Father-in-law, and had no idea what to do. At this moment, I suddenly thought of a passage of God’s words, “Everything that happens to people is when God needs them to stand firm in their testimony to Him. Nothing major has happened to you at the moment, and you do not bear great testimony, but every detail of your daily life relates to the testimony to God. If you can win the admiration of your brothers and sisters, your family members, and everyone around you; if, one day, the unbelievers come, and admire all that you do, and see that all that God does is wonderful, then you will have borne testimony.” Pondering these words, I couldn’t help but quiet my heart to reflect on myself. Did I have a testimony in this thing? I thought back to the scene that I lost my temper with and blamed my Father-in-law. Though I was a believer in God, I didn’t live out any humanity. Wasn’t this bringing shame on the name of God?

After returning home, I sat on the sofa disheartened. I recalled that I recently had many conflicts with my Father-in-law, and that I often lost my temper with him. I knew as a believer in God, I shouldn’t have done things that way and I wanted to be tolerant of and patient with him, but somehow I couldn’t control my anger. I saw though I believed in God, I couldn’t practice the truth in everything or bear testimony to Him. So I felt quite ashamed, but I still didn’t know how to completely resolve our conflicts. Thus I came before God and prayed: “Oh, God. I know as a believer in You, when I encounter things great or small, I should seek to understand Your will and practice the truth. But I always dislike my Father-in-law’s living habits and come into conflicts with him. I know that in doing this, I am not bearing testimony to You, but allowing Satan to laugh at and get something on me. Oh, God. Please help and guide me to let go of myself, get on with him normally, and live out normal humanity, thereby shaming Satan.”

The next day during spiritual devotion, I saw the following passage of God’s words, “People live for so many years, and are unhappy with eighty or ninety percent of what they encounter. You frown upon this and disapprove of that, but what do you dislike? Some of these things are actually your own problems, so you should not make a big deal out of them. When people get older, they realize that they are not noble, and that they are no better than others. Do not think that you are superior to other people, or more dignified and distinguished than they are; you must learn to adapt to your environment. To adapt to your environment, you must first realize something: There are all kinds of people out there, with all sorts of living habits. Living habits do not represent a person’s humanity. Just because your living habits are disciplined, normal, and dignified does not mean you possess the truth. You need to get this fact through your head, and gain a positive appreciation for it. Furthermore, God has arranged such a fantastic environment for you. You have too many personal issues; you must learn to adapt, and not pick at the bad habits of others. Moreover, you have to be able to get along with them based on love, and get close to them; you need to see their strengths, learn from their strengths, and then pray to God and overcome your own problems. This is the attitude and practice of submission. … Mind your own business. What does it mean to not mind your own business? ‘I will change that bad habit of theirs, or I will have my surname changed!’ What kind of person are you if this is the way you conduct yourself? Insolent, aggressive, and ignorant. Do not be such a person. … When you do and handle things, or have some thoughts while encountering things, do not rely on your own intentions or your hot blood. Pray to God and come before Him. This, first of all, is a submissive attitude; it is the first psychological quality you should possess. We implore God to do His work, but if He does not do it or open up a way out, then we just need to keep enduring it and continue living in this environment. We must submit to God’s arrangements and not rush ahead and try to walk in front of God. Only then will our lives have value.”

Weighing God’s words, I couldn’t help but self-reflect: “Yes. It takes two to tango.” We two always had conflicts. In fact, this was not only the problem of my Father-in-law; I was too arrogant and opinionated. I saw myself as too honorable and noble, viewing my own living habits as the standard of humanity. Therefore, when I disliked his living habits, I detested and despised him. When I felt he wasn’t in line with my will, I didn’t want to live with him, without any tolerance and understanding of him. As God’s word says, everyone has his own habits and preferences. I shouldn’t force others to go along with me, otherwise I am too arrogant and have no sense. I quieted my heart and thought: His living habits that I didn’t adapt to were built up when he was little. This was because in his generation, people’s living conditions were very bad. These habits have accompanied him for decades. How could I request him to change them immediately? We humans have been corrupted by Satan for thousands of years. We are arrogant and rebellious, crafty and evil, and often express our corrupt satanic dispositions. Even then, God always speaks to and works on us, guides us and waits for our repentance and changes. I thought of the scene where the Lord Jesus sat among sinners in the Age of Grace. God is so holy, supreme, and great, but He never detested or rejected man because of man’s corruption and rebellion. Instead, He lived and resided with people and worked among them, yet I was deeply corrupted by Satan and deplorably filthy, but I viewed myself as distinguished. I always despised and detested my Father-in-law, and unreasonably requested him to live according to my habits and even shouted and screamed at him. I was too arrogant and evil, without any normal humanity. In comparison with how God is humble and hidden, and kind and beautiful, I felt extremely ashamed and humiliated, and couldn’t help falling down before God: “Oh, God. Thank You for Your guidance which allows me to understand the reason why I couldn’t get along with my Father-in-law normally. Recalling how I treated him, I realize I was too arrogant and inhumane. I’m willing to repent to You, live out normal humanity, and get on with him according to Your requirements. I can no longer be controlled by corrupt satanic dispositions to do things.”

Later, I also came upon the following passage, “Treat your parents and interact with them like an ordinary friend or a brother or sister you know. In this way, your relationship will become normal, and you will have something to say to them. Don’t always say to yourself, ‘I know them too well, it’s been nothing but this for years. Every time they open their mouths they say the same thing, I can even recite it.’ Don’t treat your parents like this, with this viewpoint. There’s actually also a lot else going on in their minds that you don’t know, and if you don’t interact with them, you never will.” “No matter how much the parents suffer, no matter how much concern they show for their child, the child senses none of it. He thinks that’s what parents should do, that his parents can’t feel upset, pain, hurt or sadness. This is wrong, it is not normal humanity. If both sides lived by normal humanity, and if they were able to reach possession of the truth, with both sides putting themselves in each other’s shoes, and taking into account each other’s difficulties, from the perspective of normal humanity, and both sides standing on an equal footing when they interacted, spoke to each other, and did things, would this stop the estrangement developing between them?”

God’s words pointed out the way of practice for me. I understood I should learn to put myself aside and communicate more with my Father-in-law, live out normal humanity, and love, excuse, understand, tolerate, and be patient with him. In this way, there won’t be the estrangement and generation gap. Afterward when I got along with him, I tried my best to understand and communicate with him. In the past, when he spoke, I felt bothered and went away from him immediately. Now I learned to chat with him, know about his story, patiently listen to him, and approve of some correct viewpoints of his. Meanwhile, I also told him that some of the things he did were not appropriate and suggested that he should have a good way of living and a good habit for his own health. Through such communications, I found he was very lonely. Just because of his living habits, his daughter and son were unwilling to live with him, seldom spoke to him heart to heart, and nobody was willing to know about his inner world. Only then did I know the reason why he usually rambled on to my daughter was because she was his only listener, although she couldn’t understand what he said. I thought now there are many old people who are like my Father-in-law. Because their living habits are different from that of young people, even though they have children, they become old empty-nesters and there is nobody they can tell their loneliness to. Though my Father-in-law indeed had some bad habits, I should peacefully communicate and discuss with him, but not blame him based on my hot blood. Moreover, he wasn’t an unreasonable man. Once, he fixed the water pipes of the toilet at midnight. The sound he created was so loud that almost the whole community could hear it. I got up and told him he was bothering people. Hearing that, he returned his room at once. Through communicating with and understanding him this way, I found he actually had some virtues. He was kind, enthusiastic about helping others, and upright. In the past, I was too arrogant. I always fixated on his faults but ignored his virtues. Therefore, I despised and detested him, and even didn’t want to live with him. I saw that I didn’t have any humanity. Though he wasn’t my own Father, he was after all my husband’s Father, that is, he was my Father. Thus I should be tolerant of and patient with him, and be obligated to him, properly supporting him and loving him. This is the minimum that I should have done as a Christian.

When I got on with him according to God’s words, gradually I no longer despised or detested him, neither did I quarrel with him. Unconsciously, I found he changed a lot. Though he was still frugal, he didn’t bring home whatever he thought was useful like before; he liked to discuss with me whatever happened; he often praised me in front of others for being filial to him, saying I was dearer to him than his daughter. Once when our family got together, my husband’s eldest brother and sister said to me: “Ruoxi, I never expected that you could get on with our Father so well. I really admire you.” Hearing these words, I thanked God in my heart. Today I could treat my Father-in-law this way. This wasn’t because I was good, but because God’s words changed me. Thus, I could live a little bit like a real person.

My family becomes heartwarming and harmonious like before. It is forever the home where I can rest and the place I cling to. Thank God! All the glory be to God.