Never Will I Try to Be the Master of My Home!

By Li Fan

My father favors boys over girls. Ever since my birth, he began to detest my mother just because I am a girl. As far as I could remember, he often fought and quarreled with my mother. At that time, I thought, “We are girls. So what? Girls can also be the master of a family.” At that moment, I made a resolution in my heart, “After I grow up and get married, I will have my husband obey me. I will never have him bullying me as my father treats my mother. I can’t live being cowardly.” With this will, I often helped my mother with her work when I was at home, not allowing my father to belittle me. As I got older, I came to be the main breadwinner of my family, and was capable in both the housework and the farm work. Through my efforts, I won my father’s praise and no longer did my father complain that a daughter was inferior to a son.

After I got married, I was hopeful about my life. I undertook all the work at home while my husband was away doing business—our life was satisfying. In the first two years, my husband discussed family affairs with me calmly, which delighted me a lot. It was considerate of him to talk them over with me. I felt my wish from when I was a child had been fulfilled and that I was the master of this family.

However, the good days didn’t last long. Once, my husband asked me to give him his ID card. “For what purpose?” I asked him. He equivocated and failed to tell me the reason. After that, I found he went out early and came back home late for several days. When I asked him where he had gone, he still avoided answering me. I thought, “Now you are capable, so you dare do things behind my back? I must figure out what you are doing. If I find out you are doing things without my knowledge, wait and see!” A few days later, I learnt from my sister-in-law that my husband had lent twenty thousand yuan to them. My heart ached when I heard this. But I couldn’t let out my anger in front of her, so I pretended that I knew about it to do her a favor. When my husband came back home that night, I quickly asked him about the matter of the money. Nevertheless, he stubbornly denied it. I then gripped his hand and said, “Go. Let’s ask your brother.” He then got angry, “You, a woman, mind your own business. Do your housework well, that’s enough.” Hearing his words, I immediately felt painful in my heart, as if I was hit by someone with a club. Tears of being wronged kept running down my face. I worked hard for this family, but never did I expect that my husband would speak out such words to hurt me. And he said it was enough for me to only mind the housework. Was I a nanny he hired? I had never expected that my husband would speak the same words as that of my father did to my mother. As it turns out, I was, in my husband’s eyes, nothing but a housewife, who only needed to do house work and had no say in family affairs. The more I thought of this, the sadder I got. I thought: If I can’t even be a master of my family, then what does it mean for me to live like this?

After a bitter cry, I was not willing to live such a life. So I often went to the storefront, which was run by my husband to watch over him. Whenever he had a phone call, I would ask him anxiously “who it was,” whenever he returned home after visiting others at night, I would ask him insistently, “Where have you been? Who else was there?” By my constant asking about these trifles, he often felt irritated very much. Besides, in normal times, I revolted at and distrusted his work no matter what, and I often nitpicked at him, keen to let him listen to me and act according to my standards. For this reason, we often quarreled and fought, frightening my children to the point they hid behind the door. Gradually, as soon as he had spare time, he would go out chatting with others to purposely escape me. He only returned home when he was hungry or sleepy, as if our home to him was merely a restaurant or hotel. In short, he was out of my control. As a result, my temper got worse and worse. Being angry, I screamed and shouted all day long, which, in turn, wore me out. Under the long-term depression, I was diagnosed with depression, and the doctor told me not to stay at home for long, but to go out for relaxation. For the sake of my family, I had tried to restrain my anger, but no matter how hard I had tried, it was just in vain. Once my husband did something not to my liking, I would burst into anger uncontrollably. Our relationship became more and more tense and I did not know how to reverse the situation. At my worrying and helpless moment in life, God’s salvation of the last days came upon me.

One day, a relative came to testify God’s work of the last days. I told her my sufferings and she fellowshiped with me, “This time God has come to express words to rid man of their sins thoroughly and to save us from the corruption and affliction of Satan. God wants to achieve the result that we no longer live by our satanic disposition but live by His word and live as a true man, who has conscience and reason, can forgive, tolerate and understand others, and so on. Only by listening to God’s words can we gain God’s blessings, and can we not be afflicted by Satan.” Having heard her fellowship, I knew I could live like a human and gain God’s blessings through believing in God. So I was willing to investigate and accept God’s salvation. When having meetings with brothers and sisters, I saw that after reading God’s words, all of them could open up to talk about what corruptions they had revealed when encountering something, and how they found the words of God afterward to resolve them. When they fellowshiped about God’s salvation for them, their faces were brimming with joy and happiness. Listening to their fellowship, I felt brightened in my heart and also admired them. How wonderful this kind of life is! Brothers and sisters also fellowshiped that God requires us to be honest people, and that God will listen if we open our hearts to Him and tell Him our true difficulties. So I tried telling my difficulty to God, hoping for God’s help, so that I would not treat my husband that way. Gradually, I did not feel that repressed but was much more lightened in my heart.

One day in a meeting, I told my unceasing conflict with my husband to brothers and sisters. Then, Sister Zheng said to me, “Your difficulty is common to everyone. We all want to take charge in our family and control others. This is satanic corrupt disposition. We suffered because of Satan’s poison. In the beginning, God created man and man lived in God’s blessings with peace and happiness. Adam and Eve could treat God’s words as the basic standard. They listened to God’s words and obeyed God. They worshiped God, exalted God and honored Him as great on earth. Later on, because Satan tempted Eve into eating the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, man betrayed God. From that day on, man has lost God’s blessings and lived under Satan’s domain. Fooled by Satan, we all jostle with each other, refuse to obey each other, and want to control each other. These are the facts that we have been corrupted by Satan. God’s words tell us both the truth and the root of Satan corrupting man. God wants us to see through Satan’s evil substance, cast off the control of our satanic corrupt disposition, and live by God’s words. This way, we will become new people created by God through His words, and we will enjoy God’s blessings.”

Hearing her communication, my heart was slightly released. I came to know my corrupt dispositions, and also had hope of getting rid of them. Then Sister Zheng read to me a passage of God’s words that said, “Cruel mankind! The connivance and intrigue, the snatching and grabbing one from another, the scramble for fame and fortune, the mutual slaughter—when will it ever end? Despite the hundreds of thousands of words God has spoken, no one has come to their senses. … How many people do not act out of their own interests? How many do not oppress or ostracize others in order to protect their own position?” (“The Wicked Will Surely Be Punished”).

She fellowshiped with me, saying, “We all want others to listen to us, and always want to control and oppress them. This is dominated by our arrogant nature. And we only have it after Satan’s corruption. God created man and He wishes man to live in peace. In the Age of Law, God issued commandments through Moses, requiring man to keep the law and the commandments. In the Age of Grace, the Lord Jesus taught man to have patience and tolerance. However, none but a few of us humans totally acted according to God’s words. Especially in the present time of the last days, as we have been corrupted by Satan more and more deeply, we are all arrogant and conceited, and we consider ourselves most honorable, and are self-centered in doing everything. Once others do something not to our taste, we will keep fussing about it. So not only getting along well with others is hard, but we also live in agony.” Listening to her fellowship, I understood that my wild arrogance and conceit due to Satan’s corruption are totally responsible for my non-stop quarrels with my husband. From when I was young, I wanted to be the master and decision-maker of my family. I didn’t want to be looked down upon by others. After I got married, I finally had my own little world. I treated my husband and my children as the objects that I could bark at. If they all obeyed me, I would be happy; if they disobeyed me, I would be furious, shouting and roaring. I always wanted to control my husband—He must get my permission first in whatever he wanted to do. As a consequence, he kept away from me and avoided me, and I lived in great torment. Now I knew that all my suffering was caused because my satanic corrupt disposition had gotten the upper hand over me.

The sister read to me another passage of God’s words, “Why do many people follow their fleshly preferences? Because they consider themselves to be pretty good, feeling that their actions are right and justified, that they have no faults, and even that they are entirely in the right, they are therefore capable of acting with the assumption that justice is on their side. When one recognizes what one’s true nature is—how ugly, how despicable, and how pitiful—then one is not overly proud of oneself, not so wildly arrogant, and not so pleased with oneself as before. Such a person feels, ‘I must be earnest and down to earth, and practice some of God’s word. If not, then I will not measure up to the standard of being human, and will be ashamed to live in God’s presence.’ One then truly sees oneself as paltry, as truly insignificant. At this time, it becomes easy for one to carry out truth, and one will appear to be somewhat like a human should be” (“To Know Oneself Is Primarily About Knowing Human Nature”). God’s words pointed out the situation I was in. In the past, I thought the viewpoints I clung to were right. I thought myself pretty clever and good, and felt it was right and justified to be a master of others. This was the satanic disposition of arrogance and conceit, which was base and ugly and detested by God. To get rid of this arrogant disposition, I must know myself from God’s words, and must act according to God’s requirements. Only in this way could I live out the likeness of a human. After that, I often prayed to God, asking Him to guide me to practice the truth, so that I wouldn’t take charge of my husband. Under the guidance of God, I gradually learned to put myself aside and no longer controlled my husband. Sometimes when I couldn’t squelch it, I would pray to God and asked for His help, so that I would be free of the control of my own satanic disposition, and would not treat my husband with my own will.

One day, I had just returned home after a trip to perform my duty, when my relative drove his car to my gate. Seeing me, he said, “Oh, this is the pasta maker you ordered. I have brought it to you.” Saying this, he took the pasta maker out of his car at the same time. I was stunned and said, “We bought it? How come that I didn’t know about it? There are only two people in my house and we scarcely steam bun. Isn’t it taking up space? And I won’t use it often.” He smiled and said, “Since it’s bought, just use it.” Again, I began to get angry with my husband, thinking, “Such a big matter you even kept it from me. Humph, I’ll deal with you when you come back home.” At that moment, I was aware of my being wrong and that my satanic disposition was about to burst. Then I thought: No. I must seek God’s will, I cannot still quarrel with my husband. So, I prayed to God, “O God! Today You arrange this matter and it’s against my will. May You keep me from bursting into anger about it. I’m willing to forsake my flesh and humble myself. May You guide me.” After praying, I thought of God’s words that said, “There may be times when you do not satisfy God. That is because you do not understand God’s will; the next time, even though it will take more effort, you must satisfy Him and must not satisfy the flesh. When you experience in this way, you will have come to know God” (“Those Who Love God Will Forever Live Within His Light”).

From God’s words, I understood God’s will. In the past I didn’t practice this truth, but this time I must betray my arrogant nature and live by God’s words. It was permitted by God that my husband didn’t listen to me or consult with me. I must submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements. After my husband came back home, I said to him, “The pasta maker you bought has been sent home by our relative. Quickly plug it in.” He cast a glance at me and then said, “You aren’t angry? I bought it because I think you may feel tired when kneading dough since it’s getting hotter.” Hearing his words, I said smilingly, “At first, I was angry and was waiting to deal with you. But then I instantly thought that I’m a believer in God and so I must pray to God, letting Him guide me when something happens to me, so that I will know what to do, and what is according to His heart and to satisfy Him. God’s word says, ‘I will now share with you a simple strategy: Begin by practicing in this way. Once you have done so for a while, the state within you will change without your knowing it. It will turn from that ambivalent state, in which you are neither terribly interested in believing in God nor bored with it, into a state in which you feel believing in God and being an honest person are good things, and in which you are interested in being an honest person and feel there is meaning and nourishment in living thus. Your spirit will be grounded, at peace and gratified. Such a state will be yours, as a result of your having let go of your own motives, interests, and selfish desires. You will have earned it’ (“Give Your True Heart to God, and You Can Obtain the Truth”). Thinking of God’s words, I knew when encountering things, I should set aside myself, my selfish motives, and my own interests first. I shouldn’t satisfy myself. Practicing like this, I will be changed unknowingly. I will have the driving force to be a person like this, I will find putting myself aside is a meaningful thing, and I will feel enjoyment, peace, and secure in my heart. Thank God! It’s God’s words that has kept me. These years, we two don’t get along well. It’s all my fault. I always want you to listen to me and I want to control you. Now I will live by God’s words and let God save and purify me.” Hearing my words, my husband smiled, saying, “God’s words really can change man. I have seen a miracle in you. I really have seen God’s deeds.” Hearing his words, I felt ecstatic and incomparable joy in my heart. I thanked God’s salvation for me from my heart. After a period of cooperation, my husband accepted God’s work of the last days. Together, we lived a church life, read God’s words, and sang hymns in praise of God. Since then, we made God’s words the master and decision-maker between us and then cheers and laughter were heard everywhere in my family. We were living in real peace and happiness!

We could have such a happy life today, this is the result of God’s judgment by His words. I used to live by my satanic arrogant disposition; I used to make my husband listen to me, and if he didn’t listen, I would quarrel with him. This led to our disharmony and my unspeakable agony. It was Almighty God’s words that saved and changed me, allowing me to see clearly Satan’s trickery and affliction to me. I no longer live by my natural character. Instead, I comport myself according to God’s words and to the truth. Now my family all live under the leading of God’s words, enjoying true happiness and peace, and our lives are full of happiness and enjoyment. Thank God!